Memories vs Reality

One's mind could play tricks on one. How accurate are your memories? As much as I wish I have perfect memories, especially for the happy ones, I know that I "beautify" them. I remember distinctly getting excited and rushing to the door when I hear my godfather's whistle every evening when he came home. But the details eludes me.

My godsister told me that when they were younger, my godfather used to be very bad-tempered and had more than one occassion raised his hand at my godmother. That wasn't the man I knew. I remember him as a kind and quiet man, smoking in a corner, watching and listening as the rest of the family chatted in the living room. He offered to pay for my education when he heard that I was having financial difficulty to stay in college, though I didn't take up the offer, I was truly grateful because he didn't have much.

Did I choose to only see the good in the one man whom I thought was the most down-to-earth and real guy in my life? 

受伤？

似乎受伤了

心隐隐作痛

是真的喜欢上了吗？

还是因为失去吗？

难过，真切感觉到心疼，胸口像被大石压着，都不过气。

可是，到底为什么？

到底是喜欢你的心受伤了？还是因为自尊心受损？

如果不曾相恋，还能算得上失恋吗？

如果从没真正拥有，还能算得上失去吗？

从一开始，就没想过未来，因为我们不可能会有未来

我们之间的距离不是一时片刻能够跨越的

一心想活在当下，珍惜缘分

一厢情愿的以为我在你的心里能占据很小很小的位置

原来我只不过是在你的心外徘徊，不曾住进你心里

如何成为我心目中白马王子心目中的白雪公主？

朋友或身边的热心的人都曾经问过我，为何不找个伴？当我回答没人追呀，都没人信，然后就会说可能是我的要求过高。这样的事反复的发生，我也开始怀疑自己是否不切实际。我是不是若不将就点，就注定孤独终老？与此同时，我还不断地对身边的人说，我宁愿自己一个人也不愿再来一段不快乐的感情。

Opera talk about Aha! moments all the time, but I haven't really noticed me having one (probably I did, but I wasn't conscious about it). It happened two days ago, when I least expect it. I was having an ordinary day, casually walking to a shopping complex from the MRT station. As usual, I would look around and observe people I see. Details like what they are wearing, how they walk, how they talk, how they look are things which I would pay attention to and process in my mind. Then I will think to myself if they are perfect or how things could be improved. What can be changed to improve their overall score in my mind?

Suddenly, it flashes in my mind that if I could see myself now, I would have failed miserably. That thought spin off to more thoughts and led to the following conclusion : I haven't been taking care of myself. Not because I couldn't, or that I didn't have the time, but simply that I didn't have the motivation to do so. An Aha! moment : I don't love me anymore! Can't remember when this started, but with each passing day, I drift further away from my idea of a perfect woman.

I have decided to love me more.

Deep down inside, I know that I have the making of a perfect woman (at least MY idea of a perfect woman), but my laziness seem to win everyday. This is no longer acceptable. Today will be the first day of my journey toward being the perfect woman.

Step 1 : Vision Board
Set up a vision board and keep it in my mobile so I could be reminded & motivated by the life of my dream

珍惜自己

如果自己都不疼惜自己，又有谁会珍惜我？

别爱我

很想对你说声对不起
却永远说不出口
心中对你的亏欠
挥之不去

不想失去你 却无法爱你
不想伤害你 却不能骗你 更不能骗自己

如果时间能治愈情伤 那我必须等多久才能痊愈
当伤口结成了疤 心就能停止痛楚吗

拥有一颗不完整的心
我还有爱人与被爱的权利吗

Secrets - a dirty word?

Is it in our nature to lie?
Is our heart such a mysterious place we need to hide from the outside world?

The value of a secret lies in it's nature, not in it's content.
It is precious because it's a secret; and not that it is a secret because it is precious.

I have a secret. I have a secret identity, and that identity is me.
Always trying divert the attention away from the real me, I try to be comical, loud, rough and rude at times. Be everything that I am not, be as mis-understood as I could be, be as unreal as the situation allows.

The rule of my life : When people in my life leave, it's because they have not known the real me, therefore it is their fault, not mine. It is their weakness, not mine. They are just not strong enough for me. They are just not special enough to feel my inner thoughts. An excuse I give myself constantly. If I don't open my heart, I could not be hurt.

Many things have been done to protect my vulnerable core, my weak soul. Even when I do not give my all, it still hurt.

There are a few people who caught a glimst of my true self, a few short moments when I allow the inner self to surface. Before they could figure out what happen, I would close the door again and they would not know the difference.

If the world doesn't like my facade, I could live with that. If the world doesn't like the real me, could I live with that? What can I do then? I've been waiting for the one worthy but he seem to have lost his way.

Where is my Prince Charming?

Charity

What is Charity?

When you give all of yourself, asking nothing in return, is that charity?

When you lend a helping hand to a needy person, is that charity?

I've constantly reminded myself to perform charitable acts, to give a portion of my earnings to Charitable Organisations, is that charity?

As I watched the President's Star Chariy Show "http://5.mediacorptv.sg/programmesdetail.aspx?iid=MDC080923-0000003" on tv last night, I found myself weeping like a child. Many people on the show (and I'm sure, many people watching the show) felt sorry for the "unfortunates". Personally, I dislike to refer to these people as needy, I feel that they are merely people who have more challanges in life than me. I admire their strength and determination, compassion and the ability to be grateful for all that they have.

As I dialled the numbers on my cell-phone to donate a small token, I asked myself : Was my donation a charitable act? No, it was a token of appreciation for their charitable act. They have humbled me by showing the virtue of life, the goodness of man and the joy of giving. They have given me more than I could repay.